Stop Lights

My body is a stop light

My brain is red  

My heart is yellow  

My vagina is green

I always want to want you
Someday the lights will break


Broke Down

Yesterday I was the most excited to go see my best friend, and that excitement never went away. About halfway to see her (2.5 hours away) my check engine light came on and my car was shifting funny. Some days I have a rough go with my manual when I’m not paying attention so I wasn’t super concerned. Then I just kept trucking along, until I could barely go 50 mph up a hill. 

Just to make sure I went to the Toyota dealership in town to make sure it was ok, nope. Never can something just be normal for me. Not only was it something crazy, but the original spark plugs were still in my Rav, my 99 Rav. The wires inside my first cylinder were messed up and they were not sparking, causing it to misfire and gas to leak into my engine. Thankfully the dealership I went to was super helpful and got me taken care of quickly. They would have been able to do it that day, but they had to get the wires delivered to them, although they got them first thing this morning. 

Even though it was super annoying to have to stay the night there because it was not planned, I loved getting to stay the night with my bestie. Today was her daughters 2nd birthday, and I loved getting to be there for that. Waking up to her wondering where her Aunt Nina was is the best. On top of that, Kels and I got to sit on the porch and drink beer, smoke, and talk all night. There is nothing better than that.

Thank goodness for a great best friend, and a dealership who was wonderful to a young girl who needed help.

Naked Friendship

There is nothing like those couple people that you know mean everything to you, and you will always mean everything to them. That no matter what silly argument happens, nothing is going to change how good of friends you are. 

A couple weekends ago, my two girlfriends and I finally got a weekend away from everyone else, them their kids.. And me well, everyone. We took towards another’s wedding and laughed the whole road trip there. It was as if we still spend everyday together, reminding me what a real friendship is. 

As I lay here this morning, about to travel 2.5 hours so one of these friends can do my hair, I just smile and think back on all the years her and I have had together. Think back on all the love and sadness we have been through together, all the times we have been the only one who could tell each other how annoying the other was being, a sign of true friendship. I’ve been awake 2 hours earlier than my alarm, waiting in excitement.. 


There are so many ways you can use moving. It can best to tell about your past, or to talk about the future. Moving is a word that seems to really be apart of my life right now.

Moving in the literal term, I have officially moved to a new town, moved into a new house, moved in with a new room mate. So far everything has been going well. I have been taking care of my sisters kids, and love almost every day of it (sometimes I want to run away from them). Even though it was a lot of changes at once, they all couldn’t have came at a better time.

Next on the moving list comes, moving on. This is one of the ways in which it can be meant is different ways. For me, it has been not running like I has originally planned, but truly moving on from the negative people in my life. They were just a blip on the radar that is my life, and now I can really see all of that.

One night I was having a drink with a friend that I talk with often, when one of our other friends came to see her. The first thing out of her mouth was asking why I never called her anymore, why is that something that is my job? Am I think one who has to be in charge of this friendship? For the past year I have been the one who tried, then just decided to not, until now where there is more out there, better people, people who want me in their life.

Ive also moved to a new school. Now after getting kicked out of one school for not going enough, then taking a year off, changing majors, all before finally getting a degree, I am still a little nervous. This move is about the only move I have been stressing over, and it really is nothing to stress over. It will just be another school, with different kids. Not to mention, most of the teachers that I really liked at my old school either retired or left for another job. Maybe I am just getting nervous for no reason, or maybe this is going to be the best move of my life. I got a letter tonight asking me to rush for a business school frat on campus, something I never thought I would do, making me think it is the thing that I need to do.

Each time I make a choice and do something I never would have done, I can feel the ones who watch over me smiling. I can feel all the people around me who care about me finally seeing that they knew I could do it. And I can’t wait to smile in the face of those who didn’t think I could.




I’ve been on a road block of things to say lately. My life has been crazy, my sister officially took a job she really wanted and is moving on 16 days. I’ve been so happy for her, but in the back of my head I’m not. Will I be ok without her? We have been living together for 3 years now. Life is going to be so different without her. 

Stressed. That is the main mood of my life lately. I feel like I could take an Ativan and smoke pack of cigs every day. Just enjoying the outdoors, not having a care in the world. Then real life hits me, and it’s not what I want it to be. I want to punch my coworker everyday, he is a fucker. The guy I want to love me, may or may not. 

Life is so strange right now, and I just feel like I hate people. Maybe that’s what I need… To take a break from humans. They are just terrible sometimes. 

Only 3 more days of work and I’m a nanny for the summer, after this weekend I start summer classes and start my move to the next journey in life. 

Next journey in life… And it is terrifying. 


Tonight my brothers dog passed away. We aren’t really sure why, my sisters were walking the dogs and we was fine, then a couple blocks later he got in the river for a drink and just went limp…

It’s been an emotional night for me. Pets are always there for you, and I loved that snoring, smelly, drooling dog so much…. When when he hiked his leg and peed on my favorite boots. He was always so happy to see you, and just cuddled with you. 

Now I lay here, sad, not able to sleep, and for the first time… I want to talk about my feelings. It is an odd feeling, usually I don’t, usually I just stay sad and don’t cry in front of people. I let the emotion bottle up inside and handle it by myself. There is just one catch to this, the one I want to talk to didn’t answe.. Go figure. Then my only second thought was, nick would answer, he always did, he was always there. He brought out these feelings, made the zone feel ok to talk about them, was the first real person I was ok telling I was sad, or hurt. I wanted to tell him about things. 

Now I lay here, talking to the memory of him. Telling him how I feel, telling him my love for him, how much I miss him. He was my true emotional awakening, my safe zone, my love. 

Never once did we date, or even do more than kiss, but there were thousand of hours logged between the two of us, sober and drunk. We would stay up and sit on our own porches, watching the sunrise together… Until he would talk me into coming over. I was always scared to, scared I would go over, sleep with him and then we wouldn’t be the same. If we made ourselves physical before it was time the connections would be gone. But once I was there, he would just wrap himself around me and kiss me, not trying to do anything, like he knew. He knew that the mental connection we had was real, that we were real. Then we would lay there and talk for longer until we both finally began to sleep (we both have trouble sleep, I still do). 

We loved movies, and could quote so many of them. I miss just watching them on the couch, laughing. Once, he bought a 3-d tv… I didn’t get the hype because it just looked like a normal movie to me. I thought he was going to pee his pants laughing at me, turned out my glasses were turned off so I didn’t get the 3-d part. 

His laugh. God I miss it. 

I miss him.