School Starting

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new semester, at a new school. I know it shouldn’t be freaking me out, since this is my third school, I have a degree already… but it just really is. I’m just going to a new building, trying to find a new classroom, just something about it keeps making me not know how to stop my mind. It just keeps running and running, thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow. Will I even know where my class is going to be? What if  I go to the wrong building?

This is really starting to feel like the first day at UNK. Oh my goodness, that first day was super rough. I went to my very first class, 30 minutes early.. then found out it was the class before mine and I had gotten there so early that it was too early. It was so embarrassing. What if that happens again? That would be terrible, being a 26 year old that can’t lock up how to get to class on time. Now I’m never go to be able to sleep, I’m going to be that crazy old lady who doesn’t know what to do…

I better lock this shit up…

Next…

I’ve been on a road block of things to say lately. My life has been crazy, my sister officially took a job she really wanted and is moving on 16 days. I’ve been so happy for her, but in the back of my head I’m not. Will I be ok without her? We have been living together for 3 years now. Life is going to be so different without her. 

Stressed. That is the main mood of my life lately. I feel like I could take an Ativan and smoke pack of cigs every day. Just enjoying the outdoors, not having a care in the world. Then real life hits me, and it’s not what I want it to be. I want to punch my coworker everyday, he is a fucker. The guy I want to love me, may or may not. 

Life is so strange right now, and I just feel like I hate people. Maybe that’s what I need… To take a break from humans. They are just terrible sometimes. 

Only 3 more days of work and I’m a nanny for the summer, after this weekend I start summer classes and start my move to the next journey in life. 

Next journey in life… And it is terrifying. 

The Boy

So I’ve been really working at this whole half marathon training, so far it hasn’t been to bad. The biggest downfall I’ve had is with the guy I’ve had a thing with for almost 6 years now…

We were talking and I was complaining that my running bra is to big for me now (I’ve lost almost 2 inches in my chest). He then got upset because he doesn’t want my boobs to get smaller. Then he proceeded to tell me that small boobs is a deal breaker for him… I just can’t stop thinking about it. 

I did all my measurements last night and have lost a lot of inches overall, and was super pumped, then somehow began to feel upset about it because of the boob comment. It’s really making me question everything about this with him. How am I to know what will happen as I continue to get in shape?

I’ve always been a bigger girl and have really been working to try and drop 50 pounds, if I do, these babies could get a lot smaller. Does this mean he is only with me for my boobs? Does he even like me for anything else? Questions, questions, questions….

Thinking for now I may just let it ride, but not let the chances of someone who actually likes me for more than my chest size be a possibility. Does this mean maybe I don’t really like him either?? Maybe everything we have been together is just sex, and maybe we should just keep it that way. 

Hump Day

Today, for lack of better words.. Was trying. Half the day I was running around like my head was cut off, the other I had a headache and wanted to punch someone. It was one of those days where we weren’t exactly busy, but every customer was a project, I called 5-6 insurance companies today. Ya, it’s a little different for a pharmacy to call them, thank goodness, but still, it’s a lot of work. Not only that… But I just didn’t want to be there. My mind was not in it today, and my annoying coworker just seems to get more annoying by the day. It’s like he has no common sense, and as soon as we get busy, no where to be found. Pisses me off. When we are slow, he will start counting meds, then suddenly he is gone, so you don’t know if you should start counting or if he is getting a drink or in the loo. Nope, he’s gone for like an hour doing anything besides his job, fucker. 

This Sunday/Monday almost all of my assignments for this semester are due, and I am really starting to panic about it. I haven’t gotten behind or anything, it’s more the fact that all of a sudden there is so much that needs to be done. This may be the first semester I didn’t put everything off till this week. As I’m sitting there at work, I just want to get my school work done, it is the craziest thing. Not only do I feel grown up, but my mind feels torn.. Not in a bad way, but I’m not there when I’m working. Oh well, I’ll get it all done this week and then, I’m going to get myself a bottle (or 2) or wine and celebrate, maybe even by myself, at this point I don’t care if anyone joins me. 

Two weeks left this semester… I got this👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾😁😁😁😁
Side bar: sometimes as I’m writing I stop and wonder, am I writing the word “i” too much? This whole post was all about me, it had the word “i” so many times, why is that? Do I need to change what the topic is? Do I need to think about someone else? What is the problem here? Then I just have to stop and remember, this blog is to help ME, not anyone else. If no one reads it, oh well, the point was to write my feelings down, to vent my day. I can write I as many times and I damn well please. Hahaha 😘

Purple

Every have one of those days where it seems like a really good idea to color your hair bright purple?.. Well I might have done that the other day, and it was all around a bad idea. I dont know why, but it just popped out at my as I walked by looking for something at the store, and I had to do it to my hair. Maybe I should start to think about things before I do them. Lately I just seem to do, then think later. Anyways, after I got done, my roots were a bright purple and everything else was the exact same as they were before. Which normally this would be super cool, except it was not the look I wanted.

I just sat there, wondering how exactly I was going to fix this.. then laughed and put a hat on. Fuck it, that was what I was going to do at this moment. All weekend long, when I went out, hat. That seemed to be my solution, until Sunday night rolled around and I really had to do something in order to go to work today. So naturally I start scanning Pinterest and find something to solve my problem. Baking Soda, why had I not thought of it? This shit literally cleans everything. Oh you pooped your pants? Put some baking soda on it. It reminds me of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” where the dad insists on putting Windex on everything.

Anyways, I jump in the shower and wash my hair, over and over and over and over again. It sort of worked, enough so I could put the new color on, which to some is not much better.. but I am a fan. Call it… the semester is almost over and I am stressing out crisis.. or whatever you want. Maybe you could just call me, Ariel. Either way, I feel like a total bad ass, and at the end of the day, that is all that matters right??

Migraines

It’s really the worst part of my day, waking up and hoping I don’t have a headache. Some mornings I just take my meds and know it’s going to be rough, but as a chronic migraine sufferer, we learn to live our lives this way. The other day at work one of my co workers said he was getting a migraine, I about punched him. “You don’t get migraines!!” I wanted to scream at him. But I don’t let it rule me, I live my life and just know when my body has gone too far. 

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/16-things-you-probably-shouldnt-say-to-someone-who-gets-migr

Friendship

Friendship is a tricky thing, one week you spend every moment with each other, then next you don’t even talk. Lately it hasn’t been that I don’t want to not be friends with people, more that I’m not going to do things I don’t want to, and feel bad about it. Take last week, all my friends were going to a neighboring town for a party weekend, I didn’t want to go, so I didn’t. Now that I didn’t go, no one is talking to me. Deep down I feel like I am a bad person for not going on the trip and feeling bad about myself for everyone not wanting to be my friend, then I finally realized… why do I feel bad? These people can’t truly be my friends if that is all it took for me to be cast aside. I look at their pictures on social media about how much fun they had, looking into their blank drunk eyes, knowing that is not the type of person I want people to know me for. Already I have a bit of a reputation for being a party girl, everyone knows me for my drinking and love of Fireball.. that is not what I want to be known for. I want the world to know the person I am. Know that I am a smart, loving person, who wants the best out of everything. I love the mountains, and my dog, I love life and my family, drinking was just my way of hiding the fact that I hated myself, a way to make everything irrelevant.

If I was always drunk, everyone would only see the loud fun me, no one could see the real me. No one could see that really I was struggling to find who I really am. Now that I have lost a friend to drinking, when he was 28, I see that this is no life for any of us. I want to change this world, I want to make a real impact. Even though I love this little town I grew up in, I am destined to change the world. And no one is going to stop that.

These people that I have called “friends” were just a stepping stone. They were apart of the old me, there to get me by until I was ready to start the next faze of knowing who I was. When I look into the future of who I want to be, I don’t see them in my pictures, I don’t see them hanging on the walls of my house, smiling in the pictures of me traveling, in the pictures standing next to me on my wedding day. They are in my past, in the photo albums gathering dust under the coffee table. Sometimes this is what is best. Friendship is not a place where I should have to so sorry every time I spend time with a person, its a place for acceptance and love, no matter the situation. A place where I should feel safe, not worried that what I am going to say is going to cause an outburst or me to be worried of the repercussions. This is not true friendship, this a placeholder for someone who is going to stand by my side and lift me to the things that will make the better. Not always say “we have been friends for 20 years, how could you do this”. First, we haven’t been friends that long, second, my best friend who has known me that long, I can tell her anything, even the most hurtful things when I am angry… she gives me a couple days, tells me it wasn’t ok to attack her but she understands I was mad, then we say “I love you” and hug. That is friendship. Nothing can break us. Even the sharpest tongue can’t destroy true friendship..

Aggressive Tendencies

Some days are just days that I want to scream. Everyone around me just plain pisses me off. It really makes me wonder, is it them… or maybe the problem is really me. The past few days have really been a struggle on me, for some reason I just can’t seen to get myself together. This has been from falling asleep to my window cracking from a rock chip. It has just been a week. That’s the problem, everything thing else.. but really it isn’t.

Today as I started to freak out and be upset, I went to the bathroom and just sat there. Taking a breather from work and reflecting on the issue at hand. While I sat there, faking like i was going to the bathroom, I really understood that it wasn’t the outside factors that was making me feel aggressive, it was how I was handling the factors that were happening.

Walking away from people was not going to solve the issues I was having with them, but was it going to be better if I yelled at them? Or would it be easier if I did something else? At this point in my mental conflict, I didn’t know what to do. It was becoming a real problem for me. Three days of just shit, how do you stop it? On day two all I wanted was to walk out of work with my middles fingers up, telling everyone exactly how I felt. They were all just ass holes who needed to go away from me.

Thankfully I have a few days off from school and work next week, this could just be what I need to get my mental life together. There is so much built up anger happening in me that needs to be released. Maybe a run, maybe a long nap, I know it can happen.. starting tomorrow.

Tomorrow.