There has to be a purpose for everything, right? I’m sitting here, just got off work, all I want to do is sit in the dark and smoke cigarettes. Yesterday morning I woke up to a text from my old roommate and dear friend telling me that her membrane has ruptured and there was no fluid left for the baby (she is 24 weeks pregnant). They had to rush her by ambulance to a nearby hospital that was more suited for the situation, but she wanted to make sure I heard it from her and no one else.

Of course that morning I woke up late and was rushing to leave so I wasn’t late for calc 2, and everything just stopped. What do you say to her? There was nothing. Are you ok? How weak, that doesn’t even touch the tip of the situation or our lives. Of course she wasn’t ok. She was laying in a hospital hoping that she wouldn’t loose her baby. All I wanted was to get in my car and go to her, 13 hours away from me, she told me I was being ridiculous and it was too far, but she expected nothing less of me. There is no way I can leave, with it being three weeks till graduation and I have to finish my semester up strong, but I just want to lay with her.

Maybe I just need to stop injecting myself into situations. She has her husband, she has her family, maybe she doesn’t need me there like I think I need to be there. Maybe this is really my problem in life, I smoother in situations, then when the smoother is not returned I feel like they do not care enough about me.

Did I just have a realization? Or is that just silly? Am I giving myself more credit on my friendship abilities? How many other people did she personally tell she was in the hospital? Maybe she did want me there, or at lease feel the need to feel my presence. What if she needed someone who wasn’t going to freak out and be super dramatic, her family has a tendency to do that. At her wedding, it was a solid shit show. Her mom threw wedding cake on her dads truck (they are divorced), and her mom got mad because the bridesmaids were late… we were told to get our hair done after the family, so we were still getting our hair done. They are… a different breed of humans.

After asking an OB doctor today at work he told me that the outcome doesn’t look good, either way he was going to put it. Either she has the baby and it has so many health problems its standard of living is going to be a struggle and it may not make it later on. Or she is going to loose the baby. There is a medical reason for this happening and its never good. Most likely she has and infection, as does the baby, and it’s a late term miscarriage.

There has to be a plan, God has one. He doesn’t just do things that aren’t meant to be. I have to believe this, or else I don’t know what else to do. Just like with Nick and his passing, I may be angry with Him, but there is a plan. He only gives us what we can handle, and he must think I can handle a whole lot because these past four months have been filled. Never has I openly talked about my faith, I’ve always thought of it as something that you feel, something that is yours and no one can experience it how you can. It is for sure and experience, one that I have cried on, smiled, loved, lost, but most of all, believed.



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