Friendship is a tricky thing, one week you spend every moment with each other, then next you don’t even talk. Lately it hasn’t been that I don’t want to not be friends with people, more that I’m not going to do things I don’t want to, and feel bad about it. Take last week, all my friends were going to a neighboring town for a party weekend, I didn’t want to go, so I didn’t. Now that I didn’t go, no one is talking to me. Deep down I feel like I am a bad person for not going on the trip and feeling bad about myself for everyone not wanting to be my friend, then I finally realized… why do I feel bad? These people can’t truly be my friends if that is all it took for me to be cast aside. I look at their pictures on social media about how much fun they had, looking into their blank drunk eyes, knowing that is not the type of person I want people to know me for. Already I have a bit of a reputation for being a party girl, everyone knows me for my drinking and love of Fireball.. that is not what I want to be known for. I want the world to know the person I am. Know that I am a smart, loving person, who wants the best out of everything. I love the mountains, and my dog, I love life and my family, drinking was just my way of hiding the fact that I hated myself, a way to make everything irrelevant.
If I was always drunk, everyone would only see the loud fun me, no one could see the real me. No one could see that really I was struggling to find who I really am. Now that I have lost a friend to drinking, when he was 28, I see that this is no life for any of us. I want to change this world, I want to make a real impact. Even though I love this little town I grew up in, I am destined to change the world. And no one is going to stop that.
These people that I have called “friends” were just a stepping stone. They were apart of the old me, there to get me by until I was ready to start the next faze of knowing who I was. When I look into the future of who I want to be, I don’t see them in my pictures, I don’t see them hanging on the walls of my house, smiling in the pictures of me traveling, in the pictures standing next to me on my wedding day. They are in my past, in the photo albums gathering dust under the coffee table. Sometimes this is what is best. Friendship is not a place where I should have to so sorry every time I spend time with a person, its a place for acceptance and love, no matter the situation. A place where I should feel safe, not worried that what I am going to say is going to cause an outburst or me to be worried of the repercussions. This is not true friendship, this a placeholder for someone who is going to stand by my side and lift me to the things that will make the better. Not always say “we have been friends for 20 years, how could you do this”. First, we haven’t been friends that long, second, my best friend who has known me that long, I can tell her anything, even the most hurtful things when I am angry… she gives me a couple days, tells me it wasn’t ok to attack her but she understands I was mad, then we say “I love you” and hug. That is friendship. Nothing can break us. Even the sharpest tongue can’t destroy true friendship..